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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
word of the day: nincomtard
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"