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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, I’m going back to bed.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.