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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.