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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
My life is loosely based on a true story.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.