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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.