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Jesus is coming.... look busy
Iām the kind of guy who dreams about naps while Iām asleep.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species