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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science