Daily Silly Status

My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.

Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.

Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.

I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.

I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.

When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!

When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!

Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split

I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.

I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before