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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.