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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session