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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.