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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.