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I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
It´s never to late to be happy
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.