Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.