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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
This patience thing takes forever.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.