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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.