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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.