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People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.