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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.