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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.