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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
It needs more cowbell!!
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.