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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Nothing bad has happened, but I’m trying to be proactive.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.