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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."