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SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
I should come with a warning label.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!