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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.