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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs