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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
I`m tired of things costing money
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.