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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.