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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.