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Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.