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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
I`m not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I`m pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”