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Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.