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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.