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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.