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That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Today`s subliminal thought is: …
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."