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I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
CANT TOUCH THIS!! Na na na na.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.