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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
Being human is expensive and exhausting.