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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.