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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?