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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?