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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Safe words are for quitters.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"