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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.