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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
There`s a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.