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Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people