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I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!