Daily Silly Status

The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore

My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.

Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..

If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.

Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"

I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.

I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it

Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were

I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!

Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?

When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.

I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!

Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.