Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
This status has been censored by Facebook
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.