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Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.