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umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.