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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.