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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.