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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?