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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject