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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
likes beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate major events such as the my birthday or the fact that that it`s Monday.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.