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I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.